It’s 5:20AM on my 36th birthday and I can’t sleep. I’ve made my way out from the bedroom to the cold dark living room. A blank word document lights my face while I wonder if it’s too early for coffee yet.
Life has felt so discombobulated lately. All my creative energy has been going into designing my garden, decorating the house, or projects for my clients. It’s left me with only a leaking faucets worth of inspiration for the blog. So, instead of a recipe, today I’m laying down a journal as offering.
We’ve set plans for the garden and I’m laboring over the exact times to plant my seedlings for my specific zone. I’m learning that I’ll find just about anything to be anxious about. Life’s just more interesting when you overthink the smallest of details. It also doesn’t help that I’ve historically had the worst green thumb imaginable.
But this year is different. I’ve stocked up on all the books, YouTube channels, my generous neighbor has been a fountain of useful knowledge and excess potting soil. I’m determined this year to keep more than hearty perennials, potted tomatoes and premade hanging baskets. I’m sure something will inevitably go wrong, but that growth opportunity will only take me one step closer to realizing my dream of being Charles Dowding.
It’s interesting, in my 36 trips around the sun, this is the first year I’ve ever felt – old. My body has ached more, my stamina is weened, food upsets my tummy, lines are more prominent, and I can see the shape my middle-aged jowls will take when they’re fully formed. I guess the gardening itch was inevitable. I’m teetering into middle age.
Not that I’m upset with it, although I could do without the acid reflux. No, I’m very much looking forward to this stage in my life. I’m hoping it will be a time when my rush to be somewhere and someone will subside. I’ll learn to be happy just where I am. Maybe friends with toddlers will be friends with kids and I’ll get to see them more. Maybe I’ll finally see that therapist.
There’s always hope for the future. There’s certainly a lot of hope for 36 too. It’s the first time in a long time I don’t exactly know where I’m heading. I’m still just a bulb whose leaves haven’t met the dirt’s surface yet. Once I know my direction, I’ll be lost in it. But for now, I know where my beds will lay in my backyard and how much woodchips it will take to fill out the pathways. And for now, that’s good enough.
Happy February 17th, everyone.
Love this surprise post and since I just turned 36 I feel all of this except, to be honest, the looking forward to this stage. It feels weird to me to be here and I’ve been resisting it. Even unaccepting of it. Friends like you make it a little easier though. When I see someone my same age that’s as cool as you, seeing the good in …ahem…getting older, it makes it easier to face 🙂 Happy birthday friend!
Just a reminder… you got this. As for gardening, I have been at it for 30 years. You learn as you go, so the important thing is to just do it. As my husband says (when deer, or slugs or weather kills something… there’s always more in the nursery. Also, don’t be afraid to dig stuff up and move it if it isn’t doing well in its current spot.